If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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