i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
