Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
