so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
