Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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