I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
