Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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