Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
