Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
