I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
