it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
