i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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