i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
