my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's blow job season.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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