Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
