i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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