How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
