Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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