Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
A bitchslap is in order.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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