now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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