What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
