I wish I could teleport
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's shark week go big or go home
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
