These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The struggles of a small town man whore
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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