Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
