My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
