I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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