if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
