she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
