She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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