Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I need to sanitize my soul.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
