"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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