dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
