We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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