I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
