just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
