I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
