Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Terrible idea I love it
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
