I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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