I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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