The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
