Just fell off a train. Bad.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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