So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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