dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
