everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
