I can text with my tongue
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
