at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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