I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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