she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
