I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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