hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
